The Ultimate Adventure: The Street of Oddities

Peering down the skinny winding street, the troupe noticed that the sidewalk at the end of the block ended in a high cliff, with one of the shops precariously dangling off the side. Each of the buildings seemed to be too big or too small next to any ordinary human, but it was homey to those who favored a different lifestyle than what a normal society could provide. One of the fashionable clothing shops was shaped like a man shot by 43 bullets, but offered high quality selections. A satanic temple offered reversed exorcisms, but all the group noticed was the friendly man waving. The taxidermy shop was a bit small and decorated like a Norse lumberjack's cabin. An IHOP brightened up the streets, but the real source of metaphorical sustenance was the Hello Kitty store.
"Let's go to the Hello Kitty store!" said Aila Excellence hopefully.
"No. We're on a mission to re-ressurect Abraham Lincoln, taxidermize Jay's remains, and eat a seasonally themed brunch." declared Emma Jenna-sen.
"Hooray for warped homeopathic treatments, if absolutely nothing else." whispered the mysteriously tasty pie gloomily.

The posse entered their cult's headquarters and were greeted by the cry of death, as the owners despised boring door jingles.
"What a charming touch!" complimented Miss Jenna-sen.
"Thank you." said a kind hooded figure with a Hello Kitty necklace. He had chosen it  himself.

Looking around, the walls were painted in blood, but the floors were clean and polished. The mysterious pie tingled with apathetic delight. Candles flickered around the floors, illuminating the main room delicately. Repetitions of Mariah Carey's greatest hits could be heard against the heavy breathing of the newly reanimated in the back room. Black magic could have been in the air, but the candlelight was too dim to tell.

The hooded figure tugged on his sweatshirt strings.
"So, where are the remains?" he asked politely. Emma Jenna-sen pulled out what was left from the combustion of the 16th American president. The man smiled in acceptance and went into the secret room with the mutilated pieces. Jeffrey rolled his eyes impatiently. Emma thought about her IHOP order. Aila considered whose blood was on the walls and whether it would be safe to lick it. The pie thought of its undying love for Emma.

Suddenly, Abraham Lincoln's revitalized body sprung out from the trap door on the ceiling.
"Ahoy, comrades! I'm back from the dead and better than ever!"he exclaimed with inexplicable glee. Another hooded figure leaned over to the group and whispered nervously,
"Make sure that he gets injected with this every few hours, and he'll be just fine." The young woman passed Jeffrey a syringe and bottle of Mariah Carey perfume. Raising his eyebrows, Jeffrey slipped it into one of his suspicious fanny packs labeled "illegal presidential substances" in dainty blue cursive.

The Ultimate Adventure: The Battle of 2 Equal Evils Comes to an End

A little known fact about the United States of America's 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, is that he adored puppets more than nearly anything else in the war. In fact, he threw his "Team Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer" shirt to the ground and whipped on his much smaller "Team Jay" shirt because puppets are hardcore.

Despite Jeffrey's lack of presidential praise, the mysterious pie refused to give up on his lifelong idol. He tastily cheered him on by staying in his place and not doing anything. Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer felt motivated instantly and swiftly bludgeoned Jay to his demise.

Blood gushed from every part of his body despite the injury's occurrence being found at Jay's head. Emma Jenna-sen's eyes widened while Aila Excellence gasped. Without further warning than a wink, Abraham Lincoln clapped vigorously and spontaneously combusted into another dimension.
"Well, darn." said Emma Jenna-sen said. "Where did that cult go? Maybe we could get them to bring him back to life." she thought aloud.
"Great idea!" replied Aila and Jeffrey lyrically. Aila Excellence furrowed her brow a bit in thought.
"While we're there, can we get Jay taxidermized?" she asked.
"Sure", decided Emma. "the cult headquarters are next to the taxidermy shop, remember?" she reasoned. "To the unicorn!" they sang cheerfully.

The unicorn arrived from its portal and quacked sadly. Each member of the insanely cool group grabbed a limb and organ from Jay's bloody corpse, jumping into the portal and onto the odd street of magic and illusion they needed.

Hate and anarchy,
Aila Jones