The Ultimate Adventure: The Battle of 2 Equal Evils Part 1

Miss Jenna-sen had gotten the memo that a battle was about to begin and even considered telling Jay. The only factor in her decision making process that she remembered one of his passing statements.
"I love surprises. Do you? Would it surprise you to be the mother to my children? Will you love me?" Jay pleaded with her sassy hand after she left him hanging in the middle of his rant, declaring his unrequited love for her, of course.

Besides, Miss Jenna-sen figured that surprise duels were significantly cooler than planned ones. Jay sat in the hairspray company's second most comfortable chair in front of the elusive Miss Jenna-sen and her desk. Jay goggled at the desk's name plaque, shocked.
"Your first name is Emma?" he inquired loudly. "Why, if you were being written about as the nearly titular heroine of an unimportant story, this would totally add onto the viable pronoun choices previously available!" Emma rolled her eyes slightly, but patiently waited for the battle to begin in the most comfortable chair known to corporate hair product companies everywhere. Jay fidgeted in his lesser chair and fiddled within the pockets of his stiff khaki short pockets. Why couldn't human interaction be as simple as pants, he wondered.

Suddenly, Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer and his hip posse materialized.
"Mazel Tov to me today indeed, tasty Hasidic fortune cookie." he exclaimed Jewishly. "I challenge you to a duel, for the fair and lovely Emma Jenna-sen!"
"Yay! I'm appreciated!" blurted she.
Aila sadly curled up in a ball with her taxidermized sloth, feeling as lowly as a female rejected by romantic heroine standards could. Only a god could heal her mended spirit. Aila Excellence felt supremely cheated out of her role as a second loveliest tritagonist. Even the pie was preferred, she wept to herself.

"Love me forever, Miss Emma!" shouted both sociopaths in unison. Emma Jenna-sen simply laughed and announced clearly, "Begin!"

Jeffrey, though a "Totally Lame Vampire Slayer" by name, turned out to be horrible at wielding a femininely decorated axe. Jay, however, turned out to be unusually talented at throwing empty cans of hairspray at rapid fire. By the time Jeffrey realized that axes are meant to be held by the handle, his hands were covered in his own green Vulcan blood. Jay cruelly laughed at his opponent's foolish mistake, secretly pleased with his own changing voice. He decided that he needed more weapons, so he swiftly decapitated a quivering employee from the corner of Emma's office and ripped off the man's ugly nose before pelting it at Jeffrey's eyelid. Thrown off, Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer cursed by Odin's beard and tried to summon help in a futile act of lame-ness. Suddenly, Abraham Lincoln leaped out of a suspicious portal with a vampire corpse over his long arms.
"Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer! I have come to assist you because you are less lame than Jay!" announced the somehow living historical figure.
"I resent that statement!", Jay made a freshly murdered victim say through ventriloquy. In the short time between Jeffrey's plea and the former president's second most important proclamation, Jay mastered the art of making puppets out of fresh cadavers.

Meat Puppets and Hasidic Fortune Cookies,

Aila Jones

The Ultimate Adventure: The Battle and its Combatants

Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer pulled his puny body from his pity chocolates and sad romantic movies. Wiping his flowing tears with flowery scented tissues, he made a crucial call.

"Hello? Are you calling for the mysterious pie?" answered Aila Excellence curiously. Jeffrey hesitated to wipe away his sadness for an awkward moment. Then he spoke, heartbroken.

"We shall bring the mysterious pie on our quest."

"Why would we quest now, if I may ask? Should I bring cookies? I don't believe this to be an actual quest, either. I'm guessing that Jay simply looked at Miss Jenna-sen more than you today."

"But... I like calling it a quest. It sounds less stupid. As for cookies, of course. They'll feed my empty soul." whined Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer uncharacteristically.

"He will relinquish, if you fight him to the death.", Aila conceded. "I'll be there soon with my famous chocolate chip cookies and a shiny axe, 'kay?" Aila Excellence hung up her sloth shaped phone with determination and a plan. She put on a sparkly pink sloth dress, matching 7 inch platform heels, and the snazziest cat eyes known to the gods. Holding onto her taxidermized pink sloth in her short arms, it was clear who was boss.

Jeffrey wore a boring shirt from Bermuda and clearly didn't mean business. And he was a combatant in the war against Jay, no less!

The pie of shrouded mystery teleported himself to Jeffrey's house somewhat creepily. Enthralled by the mere sight of an unemotional teenager in an old Bermuda shirt and ratty jeans, the pie felt terribly motivated to cheer on Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer. Everyone was ready for the impending battle except Jay and his taxidermized monkey.

I apologize for being AWOL for so long, and beg your forgiveness.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hug and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kiss

Aila Jones

P.S. I wonder why the entry on kissing is so much longer...

The Ultimate Adventure: An Important First Chapter

As the extraordinary Miss Jenna-sen woke up from her extra ordinary bed, she sleepily wondered about the other pivotal characters’ morning routines. Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer was most likely still sleeping with his taxidermized lover at his side, because apathy and passive aggression require a lot of energy. Aila Excellence was awake since dawn, baking cookies for her sloth roommates and groveling minions, as everyone knew. Miss Jenna-sen decided that she too would show ambition to the world, artistically, of course! After a wholesome breakfast of oatmeal and acknowledgement of her family through hugging, she mounted her teleporting unicorn.

“Onwards, my magical mode of transport!” she cried as triumphantly as one who possesses a unicorn might. The mystical unicorn mooed loudly and drew a circle with its horn, creating the portal Miss Jenna-sen knew would lead to her destination. With a deep inhale and jutted shoulder, the girl grabbed her taxidermized spirit animal and threw herself through herself through the portal and tumbled onto a flying carpet floating before a suburban house’s window. Peering into the glass panes, she knew her destiny at once. With clear effort, Miss Jenna-sen threw a toupéed and taxidermized eagle through Jeffrey’s bedroom window, scarring his soul permanently. Jeffrey’s taxidermized pink dolphin lover awoke with him, jealous of the new member in his bed party. With obvious anger, TPD proclaimed their need for separation. Helpless Jeffrey just responded by crying for a few hours and sunk to uncharted levels of depression.

Meanwhile, Jay had somehow overthrown Miss Jenna-sen’s hairspray company in search for her elusive spirit. (In case, you were wondering, Jay’s Taxidermized Spirit Animal is a baby chimpanzee with a loose eyeball, fez, and a matching cape.) The hairspray company called for Miss Jenna-sen immediately, knowing of her excellent unicorn pal. As she arrived at the headquarters, Miss Jenna-sen couldn’t have expected Jay to be waiting for her arrival, donning a newly stiffened hairdo.

But expecting the unexpected was her specialty.

“Why, Miss Jenna-sen! What a pleasant surprise!” Jay exclaimed loudly. Embarrassed, he cleared his throat. “I secretly am desperately in love with you, by the way.” He tacked on too softly and creepily.

“Oh, hello Jay! I didn’t notice you were here, possibly due to your Indian descent and unassuming sociopathic nature.” Miss Jenna-sen said. Jay uncomfortably doubted his parents’ numerous monotonous repetitions of “Don’t worry, women love call center guys.” It may have been unbeknownst to Miss Jenna-sen; but the mysterious pie, Jay, and Jeffrey were all madly in love with her.

Jay cleared his head as he tried to deny his severe depression. He tried to concentrate on something else but couldn’t help but think, “She will be mine. Oh yes, she will be mine. But how? I know- I’ll murder Jeffrey in his sleep!” Jay laughed cruelly for a few seconds before reaching for his asthma inhaler. Taking slow deep breaths through his pink sparkly flowered inhaler, he regretted his puny giggles and quickly nursed himself to health. This incident and many others only enforced the well-known fact that he had no foresight, despite his many puny protests. After all, it would be expected that a vampire slayer would be difficult to kill. Besides that, Jay also lacked general self-awareness, or else he would have realized that when he concocted evil plots, he stared creepily into Miss Jenna-sen’s eyes. She didn’t take it personally because she banished him to the patronizing friend/acquaintance zone. At that moment, Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer detected a nefarious thought from Jay- a lady stealing thought!

Evil hand rubs and mustache twiddling,

Aila

The Ultimate Adventure: A Dramatic Prelude

To an apathetic (yet somehow alive) and mysteriously tasty pie, staring upon the surface of walls can invoke feelings. This pie registered slight emotion from watching flecks of paint spin to the dull and boring floor because he aspired to be just like his idol- Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer, this story's deuteragonist.

"So who is the protagonist?", one might ask. "Is it the pie?", yearns another.

These are bad questions. The true question is, "Who or what is the antagonist?" Without further ado, I will describe our adversary with as much pure innocence as I still have. Imagine a boy in an eternal awkward phase, an unhip purple vest, and an oddly positioned leather cape given to him by a schizophrenic hobo. He has wire glasses and Indian parents who call him Jay. Jay's previous crimes had never been as heinous as his latest hatchery: to kidnap and provide an unfulfilling marriage for the highly anticipated heroine! She is Miss Jenna-sen, double spy for Abraham Lincoln and a hairspray company. Though she knew a lot about Jay, she assumed little of him simply because of three "quirks": his ill-fitting purple vest collection, his incapability of beating her in chess, and his quietly sociopathic lifestyle. Surprisingly, Miss Jenna-sen had always had a secret fetish for capes that only a rival hairspray company knows. Somehow, Jay was lucky the day that the old hobo felt pity on him that memorable August day.

The daring and possibly true story of these characters (and more) will be posted soon, so grab your favorite anthropomorphic and animate taxidermized animal, for an adventure starting!

3 AM Cookies and cultish bro-hugs,

Aila Jones

Dear Everyone...

Hello everyone! How lovely of you to join me across the screen of a computer or mobile device on this day. Is everyone here yet?

I hope so.

Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Aila Jones. I have an "about" page that can't tell you much about me at all. Read it as you may, I believe that the best way to learn about a person is through their outlet. See, I enjoy writing quite a bit. It's fun to play pretend inside your head, let it out quietly, and have friends to play pretend along with me. Is that really writing? I think so.

Imagination is what made me want to start this letter filled mess, but I have to be more mature about my foolish and fervent thoughts. Somehow, writing is considered a more sophisticated way of blurting out nonsense as long as I abide to the chains of grammar and punctuation. Yet lack of imagination can end both careers that stem from nonsense: Childhood and Professional Writing.

When I write, characters become real to me. Whether they are rabidly insane or clueless about life, I create a plan for them. Somehow, I lose my focus to a monster made of lists that bellows for canonical rhythm. And then we dance, swaying to avoid plot holes and sinkholes caused by procrastination. Our turns are terribly clumsy, and before I realize it my monster makes up an excuse so that we can meet again. I giddily write another chapter before facing it again, only to remember the lowest lows of my abusive relationship again. Though the peaks are high and carefree, I actually enjoy the pressure set upon me by the monster. It gives me a bit of inspiration, and sometimes allows me to reference whatever I please. Being incredibly independent and fairly introverted, I feel like I've been given Harold's magic purple crayon and a dictionary. I really adore my metaphorical monster, despite the fact that it's akin to a stereotypical abusive boyfriend.

Writing releases my thoughts but never really brings them back. It's hard for a fictional blind man to retrieve his boomerang. I write this because I throw boomerangs that quit. I'd work without feedback if only to hear a chuckle later on, but I haven't realized my boomerang boundaries yet. If anyone could give me help, I would be thrilled to begrudgingly accept. Comment about details you enjoyed and negative aspects. I want to hear the people like a 1950s Hollywood queen. I don't actually care for compliments, though. Please skip the regality and let me face reality instead. On a less dramatic note, thank you to any possible readers. I truly would appreciate any support and your suggestions to guest write. I especially love a particular friend's story about a character that created many others. Thank you, currently nameless one! I hope anyone that is reading this enjoys their stay, and can bring back my metaphorical boomerang or even restores the fictitious blind man's sight.

Thank you to all who can read and have a lovely day!

Awkward embraces and several back pats,

Aila Jones