Miss Jenna-sen had gotten the memo that a battle was about to begin and even considered telling Jay. The only factor in her decision making process that she remembered one of his passing statements.
"I love surprises. Do you? Would it surprise you to be the mother to my children? Will you love me?" Jay pleaded with her sassy hand after she left him hanging in the middle of his rant, declaring his unrequited love for her, of course.
Besides, Miss Jenna-sen figured that surprise duels were significantly cooler than planned ones. Jay sat in the hairspray company's second most comfortable chair in front of the elusive Miss Jenna-sen and her desk. Jay goggled at the desk's name plaque, shocked.
"Your first name is Emma?" he inquired loudly. "Why, if you were being written about as the nearly titular heroine of an unimportant story, this would totally add onto the viable pronoun choices previously available!" Emma rolled her eyes slightly, but patiently waited for the battle to begin in the most comfortable chair known to corporate hair product companies everywhere. Jay fidgeted in his lesser chair and fiddled within the pockets of his stiff khaki short pockets. Why couldn't human interaction be as simple as pants, he wondered.
Suddenly, Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer and his hip posse materialized.
"Mazel Tov to me today indeed, tasty Hasidic fortune cookie." he exclaimed Jewishly. "I challenge you to a duel, for the fair and lovely Emma Jenna-sen!"
"Yay! I'm appreciated!" blurted she.
Aila sadly curled up in a ball with her taxidermized sloth, feeling as lowly as a female rejected by romantic heroine standards could. Only a god could heal her mended spirit. Aila Excellence felt supremely cheated out of her role as a second loveliest tritagonist. Even the pie was preferred, she wept to herself.
"Love me forever, Miss Emma!" shouted both sociopaths in unison. Emma Jenna-sen simply laughed and announced clearly, "Begin!"
Jeffrey, though a "Totally Lame Vampire Slayer" by name, turned out to be horrible at wielding a femininely decorated axe. Jay, however, turned out to be unusually talented at throwing empty cans of hairspray at rapid fire. By the time Jeffrey realized that axes are meant to be held by the handle, his hands were covered in his own green Vulcan blood. Jay cruelly laughed at his opponent's foolish mistake, secretly pleased with his own changing voice. He decided that he needed more weapons, so he swiftly decapitated a quivering employee from the corner of Emma's office and ripped off the man's ugly nose before pelting it at Jeffrey's eyelid. Thrown off, Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer cursed by Odin's beard and tried to summon help in a futile act of lame-ness. Suddenly, Abraham Lincoln leaped out of a suspicious portal with a vampire corpse over his long arms.
"Jeffrey the Totally Lame Vampire Slayer! I have come to assist you because you are less lame than Jay!" announced the somehow living historical figure.
"I resent that statement!", Jay made a freshly murdered victim say through ventriloquy. In the short time between Jeffrey's plea and the former president's second most important proclamation, Jay mastered the art of making puppets out of fresh cadavers.
Meat Puppets and Hasidic Fortune Cookies,
Aila Jones
"Why couldn't human interaction be as simple as pants."
ReplyDeleteThat's beautiful.
Thank you.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I go outside, see people, and think this.
Love the sign-off. A couple constructive (I hope) comments with regard to writing-craft:
ReplyDelete1) You only get to use "sociopath" or its derivations (e.g., "sociopathic") once in this series. Sorry! (I vote for holding out as long as possible...it shows up again in one of the July entries, and I like it there better; bury it within an obscure compound sentence for maximum power...more is less...).
2) I, too, like the pants statement, but I'd maybe do something like this: "Jay fidgeted in his lesser chair and fiddled within the pockets of his stiff khaki short pockets, all the while lamenting that human interaction couldn't be as simple as pants." I think my rationale is that I don't like the sentence ending with Jay wondering, but, instead, with the impact of the human interaction/pants line. (He can wonder or lament, really. I changed that just on a whim.) You could also give the line its own sentence as you did originally, putting the wondering first. Try it both ways and see whether its best to slug the reader in the face (giving the line its own sentence) or letting it creep up on/surprise him/her (clause at end of long sentence).